Because of You
by jackyyy17
Summary: Mara Jade relives her pain as the Emperors hand. Songfic to Kelly Clarkson's Because of You


**Because of You**

by: jackyyy17

**Timeframe: **Sometime before the Hand of Thrawn dulogy.

**Characters: **Mara Jade

**Genre: **angst

**Summary: **Mara Jade relives her pain as the Emperors hand

**Notes:** This is a songfic to Kelly Clarkson's _Because of You_

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the characters, or the song.

* * *

_I will not make the same mistakes that you did_

_I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery_

_I will not break the way you did, you fell so hard_

_I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far_

It's been almost a decade since I have truly been influenced by his power. Almost a decade, I've lived the freedom outside of his control. I have learned for my experiences. How could I have not? I have learned just how truly corrupt he was, just how evil his reigned of tyranny was on the galaxy. And with that knowledge, I have strived to be everything he was not. Somehow, I was never seduced by the dark side. I was neither light, nor dark. Now, I will strive to live in the light. I haven't broken, and hopefully I never will. I learned that lesson the hard way, through years of suffering.

_Because of you, I never strayed to far from the sidewalk_

_Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I won't get hurt_

_Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me_

_Because of you, I am afraid_

Even though I feel I have come out stronger, it still is never enough. I learned that emotion leads to pain. I trusted him. He was like my father. In fact, he was the only Father figure I ever knew. But after he died, I was left with nothing. I was an outcast, with only one purpose, to avenge his death. Of course, that didn't work out as I planned, either. The person I was supposed to kill turned out to be the only being in this galaxy that could truly accept me for who I was and who I had been.

_I lose my way and it's not to long before you point it out_

_I can not cry, because I know that's weakness in your eyes_

_I'm force to fake a smile, a laugh every day of my life_

_My heart can't possibly break, when it wasn't even whole to start with_

Luke Skywalker, whether planned or by accident, helped me see how blind I had been. But by then, it was already too late. Almost two decades of living with Palpatine had its effect on me. I was raised to be unemotional. I was raised to follow Palpatine's command, like a slave. I was a fake, a phony, and I didn't even realize it. Loyalty, justice, and vengeance were my friends. Everything else was a weakness. And now, emotion in general is a weakness. Luke has been trying to break me free of this. He claims that emotions such as love, joy, and happiness aren't weaknesses, but can make you stronger, and that the power of the heart is the strongest in the world. Easy for him to say, he gives his heart so freely, even after all the times he has been hurt by doing just so. But what does he know. I doubt at times that I even have a heart. How can I give away something that I don't even have?

_Because of you, I never strayed to far from the sidewalk_

_Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I won't get hurt_

_Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me_

_Because of you, I am afraid_

Or even worse, if I do give my heart away, what happens when I end up controlled, like I was before. See, even now I am controlled, but not by Palpatine physically, but by the memories of times I never hope to go through again.

_I watched you die, I heard you cry every night in your sleep_

_I was so young; you should have known better then to lean on me_

_You never thought of anyone else, you just saw your pain_

_And now I cry in the middle of the night over the same damn thing_

I hope one day to truly be over my time as his hand. I mostly am. Some days are better than others. It's mostly the nights that get to me, when my mind is allowed unbendingly to wander. That is when the memories like to come back to me. They probably always will. Before I actually knew Luke, before I knew how pure his soul truly could be, my dreams returned to the vision of Palpatine's death where Luke and Darth Vader stuck down my Master in cold blood, the dream where I relived my 'parent's' death. No child should ever have to live through that, much less revisit it in their dreams. But then, Palpatine never cared if I would be left emotionally scarred. But now that I know what really happened that day, my dreams return the horrid memories of my childhood, and how, even at such a young age, he use to torture me both physically and mentally. I was so young back then. I pray that a child would never have to experience what I did. But I still wake up in the middle of the night, crying. I know this is a weakness, but the pain is still just too strong.

_Because of you, I never strayed to far from the sidewalk_

_Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I won't get hurt_

_Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me but everyone around me_

_Because of you, I am afraid_

Because of you, Palpatine, I can never stray away from my duties in life. I submerse myself in countless hours of work so I won't have to think of anything else.

Because of you I keep my self guarded, to keep myself safe. I can't get hurt if I remain emotional, and I won't feel anymore pain if I don't get hurt.

Because of you, I can't trust anyone, not you, not Luke, not even myself. I can't trust myself, especially because my heart is so close to betraying me by falling in love with Luke Skywalker, and I can't trust him because he could be the thing I have almost just escaped.

But most of all, because of you and all of this mess, I am afraid of what my life was, is, and might always be.

Because of you.


End file.
